Well, here we are in Heber. Sorry I've been gone... we're still trying to get the internet in our apartment. Apparently the connection is not as free as we might have thought. Ah, well. It's gonna be okay. At the moment, I'm at the Wasatch County Library, and it's a lovely little facility. Cara is calmly sleeping in her carrier at my side, and I am enjoying being connected to people again, even if it is only for a couple of hours and via the internet. We like the city (town?), though. We've decided that we fully love small town life. In a way, it's kindof too bad that Ryan's jobs will almost require him to work in big cities. He doesn't mind the commute, but I'm the sort that wants to capitalize on as much family time as possible. Because my Dad owned his own businesses for most of my life and thus was able to set his own hours, I'm more used to seeing the man of the house around more. The 8-5 thing is wierd to me. At the same time, when Ryan does get home, he loves being there and is totally focused on me and Cara. He's wonderful in so many ways, and we'll make the whole thing work somehow.
In other news, I wonder about the whole motherhood thing. Just as a small preface- I have a tendency to believe that I'm completely worthless and can't do anything right. This is always augmented by a life change, such as when I came to college, got married, had a baby... Yesterday was a really bad day for this. Poor Cara- She was crying on the couch yesterday and I sat down next to her to pat her tummy, give her her binky, and generally help her feel better, and for no reason whatsoever, I burst into tears. I think it scared her. I do think, actually, that she realized that I was crying and upset and it was a new thought for her. She just sat there and watched me and watched me and watched me. It was actually kindof sweet and funny. The thing is, Cara is a fantastic baby. She often gives us 5 hour stretches of sleep. She's hardly ever fussy. She likes baths and usually gives us a huge grin at least once a day. She holds her head up, too, and it's just the cutest thing you've ever seen! But I still feel as though I can't do anything right. Is that normal? Or is it just normal for me because that's the way I feel about myself anyway?
Shortly after we got married, I remember worrying about being a good wife. I came home and asked Ryan what were the three worst things I could possibly do as a wife. He told me what they would be, and it helped calm me because a) they were things that I couldn't imagine doing to anyone, let alone to someone I love so much! and b) they were specific things I could avoid doing. In a way, knowing how I could fail gave me the room I needed to experiment with how to succeed. I'm still working on that, but I have more confidence now. So let me ask you- what are the three worst things I could do as a mother? I'm sure my confidence will grow in time, but for right now, I need to think things out and "self-therapize," because that's how I deal with any emotional problem I have! ;)
Anyway... now that I've talked that out a little bit- let me just say, I've enjoyed reading everyone's blogs! It's so fun to keep up with people and learn how you're all doing. I'm sorry I haven't made personal comments, but I'm running out of time on this computer! Also, I don't know if anybody actually reads the info on the sides of blogs, but if you will look to the left, I have decided to make a response section. It always bothers me that when people comment, I don't know where to respond to their comments! Hence, please check the response section- you may find yourself featured there!
So... yeah. Really running out of time. I also have another errand to run, and Cara needs to eat in about 7 minutes. Yay! Life is fun, isn't it? Stay happy!
4 comments:
I imagine that your feelings are pretty normal, especially for a first time parent. I can't really give any advise because I'm not in that stage of life yet. I'm glad that Ryan is being so good to you and Cara.
I know my Mom told me that when she struggled with motherhood, something that really helped her was to have a hobby and/or something she could do for herself. You need time to refresh yourself as you're no good to anyone else if your own needs aren't being met and you can't take care of yourself. It also helped to try to have date nights withy Hubby as often as reasonably possible and to take trips to the temple whenever possible too.
I suffer from your same "emotional dilema". It can really suck sometimes huh? I'm actually scared to death of that next phase. Sometimes it seems like I can be ready and everything will move smoothly and okay. Then I'm exposed to children (which as a general rule I just don't enjoy them) and I feel like there is no way I want anything to do with that scenario. I'm sure the Lord is working on me slowly as I tend to push back rather violently if I feel I'm being pushed too much too soon. But whenever I make that leap, I'm glad to know that I will have someone to turn to and ask advice from because you will have gone through it before me. Maybe you can help me resist the urge to sell my future offspring to the zoo. :)
Good luck Chels. You are not hopeless or incompetent. One of the things I admire about you is your "can-do" attitude and your absolute energy and zest for life. You always seemed to have such a positive attitude and your laugh is absolutely infectious. I miss you, I'm thinking of you and smiling. :) See? It's a smile. :) Oh! Another one! :) And another one!
- Kris
The Three worst things a mother can do:
1) Have an abortion (see, you're in the clear already)
2) Shake the baby or in other ways deliberately cause physical harm.
3) Tell the child she was an accident and you didn't want her--or threaten to give her away if she's 'bad'. (children don't understand that you are teasing, and they don't get sarcasm either.)
The three best things you can do as a mother:
1) Love her
2) Give her the physical care that she needs.
3) Teach her about God.
(See, you're terrific already!)
And you feed her with positives, I bet, since that's the way you talk about her.
You'll be great! By the way, low self-esteem is frequent among women, especially at times of change. You are not alone.
Sometimes people say positive things to me and I have trouble believing them. Am I really spiritual, friendly, optimistic, positive, a good person (all things I have had said to me) I guess they think so at least.
Okay, I'm getting kind of long, but have you ever read Grandma Libby's Patriarchal blessing? It is wonderful, and I totally saw her in it. But she said, "Really?" She couldn't see all those good qualities in herself at all.
So trust yourself--God does, and Ryan does, and Cara does. And your mom does! I can tell you, she was so excited about this baby, and she never said anything like, "I just don't know if Chelsea can be a good mom." She showed absolute confidence in you.
Love, Aunt Lynn
P.S. Jackson is 4 weeks old and I see Holly go from cheerful to practically crying in a moment at times. It's normal.
PPS: A priesthood blessing might help calm your spirit.
On another topic:
I really did mean to help you move, but I didn't want to interfere with your family stuff with Ryan's graduation,
and then I got sick. Bad flare this time. I'm starting to pull out of it, but I have little energy and don't commit to anything much in advance right now.
Just so you know I didn't mean to neglect you.
Chels, I know you are a wonderful mommy, and I'm not going to tell you any of the worst things you could do. You will create what you give attention to. So, if you focus on the worst things you could do, they will be foremost in your mind, therefore your energy will be projecting that into the universe, and you're more likely to receive that kind of response (from the universe). So, instead, focus on the things that work, and are great, like all the lovely things you just said in your blog about Cara, and Ryan, and hey, next time throw some things in there about you too! Like that you are a wonderful mother, wife, accomplished horsewoman, with tons of courage! And you can sing! At least I enjoy your singing, but that was probably because the metal stall walls were giving you false acoustic abilities, and I may have been high on horse manure fumes... hee hee. Off track, anyhoo. I also second everything the other two wrote above. And, I love your blog and am glad that I can keep in touch with you this way!
Love ya,
Ronnie
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