Monday, January 9, 2017

Happy Post

Hello, Friends!

This is just a happy little post to say:

Thank you for being my friends!

I just read through my last few posts, and realized they were all super angsty.  Apparently, I write more often when I'm upset.  Never fear!  Life is good!  I'm starting to come out of the "new mommy" phase... Baby girl is sleeping through the night, so I'm naturally feeling better.

Also, we have some fun things happening in our lives right now.

First off, I've discovered the Thomas Jefferson methodology of homeschooling, and I'm IN LOVE!  It's amazing.  It's beautiful.  It's so in line with how I think school should be.  I'll probably mix in elements of Montessori, Waldorf, and Charlotte Mason, but seriously, they're all about child-led education.  Our little family is more at peace than we've been for a long time.  That's important, I think.

Second, we're moving!  Aaaahhhh!  Right now, we're working on getting boxes packed up and hidden away so we can stage the house for pictures... so we can list it for sale this month.  Woohoo!  We don't know where we're going yet, but we know we need a place that has more space for our family and for my business.  Also, we're planning to build an indoor arena.  Hallelujah!

Anyway, I hope you're having a wonderful January!

Monday, October 24, 2016

Fairy Tale Ending

I love a good fairy tale.  Cinderella is my favorite, but most romantic comedies leave me feeling gooey inside. The idea of happily ever after is beautiful.

And, I must admit, I have been extremely blessed in the fairy-tale department.  Before meeting my husband, I was able to step back from the stories that consume my thoughts and realize that every story is colored by my own expectations and a lot of help from storytellers.  Reality inspires the stories, but stories are meant so we can dream; the two rarely match.  Partly because of that realization, and partly because I really did marry the best man in the world, my marriage is pretty ideal.

We met, dated, got married, and proceeded with our happily ever after.  We expected jobs, kids, trials and triumphs.  And, with some unexpected hiccups, and even more unexpected blessings, that's exactly what the last nine years have brought us.

I made a mistake, though.

See, I've never been particularly enamored with children, and before I had my own, I was unable to admit that to myself.  At least, not to the degree that I actually felt it.

But, I wanted a family.  I believe in family.  Family is very important, and children are a part of that.  So, when I heard, "It's different with your own kids.  You'll love them more than you've ever loved anything," I bought into it.  I saw the idyllic pictures of peaceful mothers holding quiet infants, or mostly-naked babies smiling up out of bright flowers, and I believed.

And, for the last 7 years, I've struggled to continue believing.  It really has been a struggle.  I knew that sleep deprivations would happen.  Messes would happen.  Whining would happen.  I got that, and I've dealt with it, sometimes valiantly, sometimes not.  One of the hardest things for me about motherhood, though, is that I rarely feel that inexplicable bond that many mothers report.  Being paid in occasional smiles and sticky hugs occasionally makes up for the nastiness that comes with motherhood, but only in the moment in which I am receiving them.  The rest of the time?  Yeah, motherhood sucks like 90% of that time.

I bought into the fairy tale, and it was a slap in the face when the fairy tale didn't match reality.

Now, just to clarify a few things... my children are fantastic.  They are all intelligent, exuberant, and sweet in their own ways.  They're confident.  They're happy.  They're remarkably responsible, given their young ages. I'm well aware that the struggles I'm going through are my own, and not based on the personalities of my little brood.

Also, I love my children.  I even feel that love sometimes.  Most of the time, the love I have for them looks like the commitment I have to make sure they get fed and clothed.  Most of the time, it looks like pretending I have patience for all of the things they can't do.  Entirely too often, it looks like hiding in my bedroom, because I can't say anything nice and so I'm choosing to say nothing at all.  Sometimes, it looks like sucking it up and playing their games with them.  Often, it looks like trying to see them for the people that they are rather than the kids they currently can't help being.

Motherhood is the messiest business I've ever been in. I'm not talking about the tongue-in-cheek, "Oh, you'll miss these days," "It's hard but I wouldn't trade it for anything," type of messy.  I'm talking about soul-wrenching, gut twisting, losing all belief in yourself and most of what is good in this world as you clean up yet another puddle of pee type of messy.  So, I'm stepping away from the fairy tale.  Motherhood is not beautiful.  Most of the time, it is not even joyous.  But, somehow, buried deep under all the hormones and the laundry and the years and the mac and cheese, it is worthwhile.

Because, while mostly I don't like motherhood, I do have hope.  I choose to believe that they will grow up into cool people.  I hope that we will all enjoy one another as we grow together.  I look forward to the day when we'll be able to play interesting games together, or talk about a book we've all read, or a movie we all enjoy.  I have hope that they will grow into self-sufficient people, and that someday we will stand on more even footing.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Repeating Years

Childhood is a magical time.  Kids change so quickly in so many ways... especially in retrospect.  It seems like two months ago that we brought home our first sweet baby girl.  She turned 7 this year.  I honestly don't remember much about the intervening years, except to say that our babies are no longer babies.

Well, except the one, but we really did bring her home 2 short months ago.  (It's funny how the first two months of a baby's life fly by soooooo much faster than the last two months of pregnancy!)

Overall, things are going very well.  For one thing, baby 4 is only waking up once each night, which means that life is returning to some semblance of normalcy.  For another, I am feeling so much better than I was two months ago it's almost ridiculous.  I still can't take normal-size steps because of pain in my hips, but even with that, I can move!  It's beautiful.

And so, it's time to start putting our lives back in order.  I need to keep up with the laundry, do the dishes, make sure everybody gets enough food each day and at least one bath per week.  Beyond that, I'd really like to do a little deep cleaning every day... just to make our house feel livable again.

Here's how a typical day goes:
Wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby.
Wake up, bleary-eyed, earlier than I'd like (given the night feeding) to feed the baby again.
Thank my lucky stars that my husband is good at mornings and takes care of the kids before work.
Take a nap after baby eats, and hope it makes up for the night feeding.  (It usually doesn't, but it helps.)
Get up and get dressed.
Change a diaper.
Get food for myself.
Remind kids to work on school.
Get lunch for kids.
Work on dishes while they eat.
Remind kids to work on school.
Change a diaper.
Work on laundry.
Remind kids to work on school.
Work on cleaning up the table in the front room.
Correct school work.
Continue to work on cleaning up the table in the front room.
Correct school work again.
"Yes, you can go outside.  You should probably put on a sweatshirt; it's cold outside."
"I don't know where your shoes are.  Where did you put them?"
"You should put your sweatshirt on."
"Because it's cold outside."
"Where did you put your shoes when you took them off?"
"Didn't you just get water?"
"Yes, it's a good idea to go to the bathroom before you go outside."
"You're going to be cold if you don't put on your sweatshirt."
"Because the weather is getting colder outside."
Try to work on the table some more.  (Didn't I get this cleaned off two days ago?)
"You need another drink of water?"
"Yes, by all means, please go to the bathroom."
"I told you you needed a sweatshirt.  It's cold outside, right?"
Work on laundry.
Change a diaper.
Feed the baby.
Burp the baby.
"Oh, your shoes were outside?  That's no good.  I'm glad you found them."
Put the baby down for a nap and hope that she sleeps.
Turn back to the blasted table.
Turn back around and pick the baby back up.
Give up on the day because the baby won't let me do anything else.
Stupid table still needs attention.
Laundry is piled all over my bedroom, but at least I've made some progress.

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

Childhood is supposedly a magical time... for the children.  :)  I find that the simple tasks I would like to get out of the way so I can enjoy my life become infinitely more difficult and time-consuming with small children running around.  Conversations take infinitely longer.  Tasks must be repeated 12 times before they can be considered done, because curious and exuberant children undo them just so fast.

Super-moms, how do you do it?

Drowning in a never-ending mess

Friday, June 10, 2016

The Maternity Life

Baby number 4.

I swore I wouldn't deal with the last stages of pregnancy in the summer anymore.  I think I've made myself that promise 3 times now.

But, here I am, 33 years old, in the middle of June, with two months left to go in this pregnancy.

And, because I'm not sure if there will be a baby number 5, I am making some concessions to pregnant life.

First and foremost, I am turning the AC down as much as I want and freezing my family out.  :)

Second, I bought myself two huge non-maternity dresses that fit very comfortably over my expanding belly.  (Hopefully, I can still wear them after baby comes, at least for a little while.)

Third, on the days when I don't feel good, I'm giving myself a pass.  Last time around, my feet swelled up to 3 times their normal size and were sore for months.  This time?  I'm letting myself put my feet up for hours at a time.

Fourth, I've decided that it's okay to not get all the things done that I need to do.  Or, if I really do need to get them done, I can take several days, if that's all my energy allows.

Fifth, I'm pretty sure that if we do have another baby, I'll need to hire somebody to help me clean my house and play with my kids for the duration of the pregnancy.

And... it's nice.  I feel a little guilty for taking so much me-time, but I also know I'll only have another couple of months of this, and then life will pick up steam again.

So, because I'm avoiding cameras like the plague, please picture me, lounging on my couch, feet up, surrounded by children's toys, clad in a bright pink nightgown-shaped dress, hair in a messy bun, sipping juice, watching Gilmore Girls, and smiling every so slightly as life passes me by.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Mommy Feelings

Mother's Day is coming up.

This day always brings me mixed feelings.  On the one hand, I picture beautiful spring days, lovely flowers, occasional jewelry, and mothers sharing smiles and cookies and swings with their beautiful, clean children.

On the other hand, I see my actual perception of mothers everywhere: Guilt-ridden, overwhelmed, frazzled, short-fused, ticking time bombs.

In my head, bouquets and hallmark cards and beautiful necklaces are delivered with breakfast in bed on tiptoe and with trembling fingers because of tradition and long-suffering husbands and because, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  So, darn it, we better show that we appreciate Mother because if we don't, all hell will break loose.

Every year, I hear how sacred a calling Motherhood is.  I hear about the sacrifices mothers make.  I hear about beautiful traditions and sweet moments.  Every year, I hear about all the honor and love that is due to mothers, simply because they are who they are.

And then, I think about how I have to be a tyrant to my little boy, because at 5 years old, he can't remember the simple instruction to keep his hand off his crotch, despite repeated reminders for over a year.  I think about the last time I yelled at my children for something I think they should already understand.  I think about how pretty much all mothers go through this same thing, and it's ugly and messy and leaves you feeling like a mangy dog that just lost a fight.

I blame us.  I blame the mothers.  Of course bringing life into the world is important.  Of course doing your best to raise your children well is important.  At the very least, I tell myself, I try to make sure my children get enough food, and I don't beat them, and they're learning some good principles.  I hope.  Somewhere, stuck in between the cracks of my tantrums.

But it's our fault that we let ourselves get caught in the frustration.  It's our fault when we don't always control our emotions and actions.  It's our fault, because children are innocent and sweet and should never be hurt in any way, right?  Shouldn't we have more of those commercial-worthy moments, with the bubbles and the walks through the park?

I saw a graph the other day that showed that what mothers primarily want for Mother's Day is chocolate.  Flowers and silence also made the list.

Silence sounds good.  Climbing into a hole with blankets and a book also sounds good.  An assurance that my kids will someday grow up and not scream at me when they're unhappy sounds nice, too.  A team of people who could come in and clean my house top-to-bottom would be truly lovely.  I literally don't remember the last time I cleaned either of our bathrooms.

Being able to be nice to the people I love because I'm not constantly worried about what they're doing would be lovely.

Having the ability to share my hobbies with my kids without having to stop every 5 minutes to wipe away tears, get yet another stupid drink of water or change another diaper would be awesome.

Remembering that I'm a person.  Am I still?  I'm pretty sure I'm just a momster.  We all are.  Every mother out there succumbs at some point, and then it's just a downward spiral.

Do I like being a mother?  Very rarely.  Do I regret becoming a mother?  Also very rarely.

Stupid, stupid time of life.

I don't not regret becoming a mother because of the beauty of it.  Or those cute little snuggles.  Or those sweet little moments when things do go right.  I guess... I feel the importance of it in an eternal sense.  I feel the worth of these little souls in my charge.

And, I don't know a lot, but I do have a few of the important things figured out.  So, while I truly am a momster, at least I can sigh and do my best to pass on those bits of knowledge that I do have and, hopefully, get them pointed in some semblance of the right direction without confusing them too much.

But can I skip Mother's Day this year?  Blech.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

On Broadway

Kids come up with the most amazing games.  They also come up with amazing ways to manipulate their Momma.  Check out this game:

I give them lunch, then proceed to work on cleaning the kitchen while they eat. 

They say thank you for lunch.

I say, "You're welcome," while still focusing on dishes.

They repeat, "Thank you."

I want to encourage them to say thank you, so I respond with a polite, "You're welcome."

Then they get louder.  "Thank you!"

I match their volume.  "You're welcome!"

They vary the pattern a bit.  "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

This is becoming routine.  And I have dishes to focus on.  "You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome!"

They try whispering.  "Thank you."

I unconciously whisper back.  "You're welcome."

Then they sing.  "Thank you."

I sing. "You're welcome."

That's the best one yet.  They sing louder.  "Thank you!"

I can play that game.  "You're welcome!"

Oh, singing is lots of fun!  "Thaaaaaaaaaaaank yooooooooooouuuu!"

I'm starting to get into the spirit of things now.  "Yoooooooooo're WEEEEEEEEEEELcooooooooooome!"

Before I know it, I'm mimicking the music from Phantom of the Opera while holding a dishrag.  I finally realize what has been going on, and where it has led me, and thank my lucky stars that nobody was there to hear me.

I love my kids.

P.S.  They love this game, and now try to get me to play whenever they can. 

P.P.S.  Our next performance is tomorrow at lunchtime, should you care to drop by!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Curly Girl

Friends, I'm a curly girl.  It's a new thing.  It's also... a whole lot of fun.  And, since I mentioned it in the last post and got a lot of interest, I'm going to post a very quick, Chelsea-style tutorial.

First, I'm going to recommend you read the book Curly Girl, because it's awesome and gives a lot more tips and tricks than I know off-hand.

Do you have curly hair?  Do you think you have curly hair?  Is your hair pretty when it's wet and frizzy when it dries?  Do you worry about anything ever touching your hair after you've gotten it perfect because you'll have to get it wet and re-style it to make it look decent again?  Do you wear hats, braids, and ponytails to tame the mop that is your hair?  You, my friend, might be a curly girl!

 Curls are, naturally, very dry.  That's just the way they're built.  And, almost everything we do to them is damaging.  Straightening, blow-drying, going for a walk outside in the sunshine, going for a walk outside in the wind... everything dries it out and damages it.  That often makes hair look straight when it's actually curly.  So, we moisturize! 

The DON'Ts:
-Shampoo is a no-no.  Even the gentle stuff will give you frizz that is virtually unmanageable.
-Brushing your hair will only separate your curls and you will end up with, that's right, more frizz.
-This is a soft no, because blow-drying can give you a softer, bigger, bouncier look than air drying.  I like it, but blow-drying curls just adds to the damage.

The DOs:
-Condition your hair.  A lot.
-Towel-dry your hair, and let it air-dry periodically.
-Consider doing a deep-treatment to your hair once a week or so.  I'm still experimenting with things like mayonnaise and olive oil, but do some research and set aside thirty minutes of you time with your hair up in a shower cap getting infused with moisture.

-When you first get in the shower, let your head hang back and just let water run through your hair for a couple minutes, like being in a waterfall.  Don't touch your head yet.  Just let your hair get wet.
-Then, using your fingers, gently massage your scalp.  Try not to disrupt your curls; just agitate all of your skin for a couple minutes to loosen any oils and dirt that may be trapped there.  Rinse your hair.
-Once or twice a week, massage your head with conditioner and rinse out, just to help loosen oils and keep your scalp from getting too dry.
-Then, apply conditioner.  Put a small dollop in the middle of your palm, rub it between your hands, and smooth it over the top of your hair.  Pay special attention to the very top of your head.  Don't massage it in, just smooth over the top.  If you need more conditioner, feel free to use it.  Make sure you cover the "canopy" of your hair with conditioner.  Put another small dollop of conditioner in your hand, rub it between your hands, and work it through the bottom and underside of your hair.  I usually flip all my hair to one side, condition the bottom, then flip it over to the other side, and repeat with more conditioner.  (But then, I have a LOT of hair.)  I also apply a little bit more to the sides of my hair. 
-As you are conditioning, gently finger-comb through your hair.  This is where you get out all the tangles and make sure the conditioner is evenly distributed.  You will lose some hairs in this process, but that's normal.  You typically lose about 100 hairs a day anyway.  As you are finger-combing, your hair should feel like wet seaweed.  You can put your hair under the faucet for a couple seconds if needed to help evenly distribute the conditioner.  I usually don't. 
-Don't rinse out the conditioner.  It becomes your moisturizer and your product all in one.  (That part weirded me out at first.  I can accept not shampooing my hair, but then not even rinsing out the conditioner?  Crazy.  I tell you what though, it works!)
-Don't wring out your hair.  I usually flip it over upside down while I'm still in the shower and scrunch it a bit just to encourage the curl. 
-When you get out of the shower, towel it dry.  (I actually use an old t-shirt I cut up, because it helps reduce frizz.)  Don't rub it, or squeeze it.  Treat your curls delicately!  Instead, flip your hair upside down and, starting at the tips, scrunch your hair up toward your head with the towel.  Flip your hair to either side and do the same thing.  Then, leave them alone for a few minutes while you get dressed.
-The book says to use a little bit of gel at this point, scrunched up into your curls the same way you towel-dried it.  I found I didn't like the gel so much; it just made my hair heavy.  Feel free to experiment with different products and methods.  Different hair likes different stuff!

-If you blow-dry your hair, make sure to use a diffuser, and blow-dry from the bottem up, scrunching it with your blow-drier the same way you did with your towel.  (There are a bunch of videos on you-tube that will show you how to do this.)
-Curly hair looks better with a bit of volume on top.  I was always afraid of volume, because my hair is naturally so big, but since going curly, I've started to encourage the roots to lift a bit more by flipping my hair upside-down or sticking a couple of claw clips in the top just to lift it as it dries.  Maybe that's where I should use the gel... on my roots! Oooh....
-This process takes a couple of weeks to really start to look good.  You'll notice a difference in the first day or two, but give your hair time to heal.  Expect to have awesome hair in 2-3 weeks. 
-Layers can look AWESOME with curly hair!
-The first few days are a little weird, and you do have to do some experimenting with what your hair likes best, but seriously, this is the easiest, most worry-free, most fun, best way I've ever styled my hair.

Good luck and have fun!