Not a Mom

"Boys are not worth the effort it takes to train them." This was the mantra I told myself back when I was bitter about the fact that I had never had a boyfriend and had wanted nothing else for years.

Somehow, through more years of lonely experience, I came to the conclusion that that particular attitude was not going to get me what I actually wanted- a man. And so, I changed my mantra.

"I want a man who is good enough that I don't have to train him." And I wouldn't settle on anything less. This of course meant that I had to be in the habit of not telling others what to do and thinking that my way of doing things was the right way of doing things. After all, if I didn't want to have to train him, I didn't want him to be thinking I would be willing to perform such a service!

And I won. Through the grace of God, I married the most wonderful man I have ever known, bar none. And he needs no training. He watches less tv than I do, doesn't like sweets very much, always wants to help out with whatever needs doing, and takes out the trash- sometimes without being asked! (Of course that's just a miniscule list of his virtues, but I believe that covers many of the "training" issues.)

The funny thing is, he still looks to me for advice on little things. "Where does this go?" "What needs to be done today?" "What do I wear to this event?"

Tonight was such a night. We were packing to go to California, where we will be getting family pictures taken. My Ryan asked me what he should pack... the suit? the khaki pants? the blue shirt? the navy tie?

Well, my friend, I'm sorry to say that I don't know. I wasn't trained in the art of dressing men. Half the time I can barely dress myself. I don't have to know those kinds of things. Those are Mom things to know. "I'm not a Mom!" I finally called out in frivolous desperation.

Ryan smiled.

Cara looked at me, happily smacking on her thumb.

And I turned and left the room to gather up more laundry.

That Could Be Me

Do you do this? Every time I see something I think is cool, I think, "I could do that." And there is so much I want to do.

I want to start a business.

I want to train horses.

I want to ride those horses up into the mountains where I would go hunting with a camera.

I want to build fences.

I want to write books.

I want to ride my bicycle for miles and miles in well-fitted exercise clothes while the miles get counted and each one means money donated to a cause by the people who pledged for me.

I want to be part of a rec therapy program that helps teenagers discover who they are and what life is about.

I want to run a ranch that donates two months of every year to battered women and children.

I want to be the kind of person from whom creativity naturally flows, unhampered by societal fears.

I want to create a manual for new adults just beginning to figure out what life is about.

I want to travel through my own country, and have stories to tell about my life's adventures.

I want to be the kind of person who recognizes when such stories are in the making and enjoys the unfolding of them.

I want to go to third-world countries and distribute micro-loans.

I want to be a grandmotherly sort of person who always has a plate of cookies and a smile for anyone who needs a friendly ear.

I want to give, and do, and be... and my biggest question is how? quickly followed by when? and really?

Welcome, Terresa!

This morning I find myself both overjoyed and a little wierded out. You see, I found a comment (always welcome) from a friend I have never met. Her name is Terresa, and I found her blog through my Aunt Lynn. It's called The Chocolate Chip Waffle and is completely wonderful. I checked it out one day and found a love of writing and of words that closely mirrors what is in my own heart. I added a link to her blog on the sidebar of my blog, but never announced my presence to her. No comments, nothing. Apparently I'm not as anonymous as I thought....

At any rate, Welcome Terresa, and any others who may be watching from afar!

New Grammy on the Block

This past weekend was the last reception for Megan and Merrill (Ryan's brother). It was in Idaho, for the Roberts' benefit. Of course, we were invited... and commissioned to decorate the cultural hall for the reception. It was much fun. We drove up Friday night, didn't get enough sleep, and woke up early. We took advantage of our babysitters and went to the Temple for a couple of hours. That was wonderful... I haven't been through a session since before Cara was born. It was neat to go together.

We took Ryan's car to Big-O to get his winter tires put on, and ended up spending more money than we were expecting because one of them was broken and had to be replaced. Ah, life.

We went to the church and ate lunch. We also saw a fantastic rendition of Merrill and Megan's courtship, as written, directed and performed by the Famous and Slightly Irreverent Aunt Chari and accompanied by various other members of the family. Critics gave it two thumbs up and said, "The songs were wonderfully adapted, beautifully performed, and amusingly put together. It was an emotionally charged piece of art that is rarely seen in this generation."

The afternoon was spent setting up tables, trees, crumpled newspaper, and blue fabric. I was accused of having too much fun, which I'm fully okay with. I must admit, it looked good. Way to go Becky!

Unfortunately, before this trip began, I had been fighting with a sore throat for several days. It wasn't a big deal, but because I hadn't gotten enough sleep, I lost that battle for a couple of days. By the time the reception came around, I was exhausted, sniffling, coughing, and sneezing. Cara, however, was the belle of the ball... next to the bride, of course.

"Grammy Cracker" Roberts has been wanting grandchildren since before Ryan and I were married. According to her, providing grandchildren is really my main purpose in the family. :) Well, that's not true, but does show just how much she wanted grandchildren. "All my friends are grandmas," she would say. "I want to be one too!" Well, three months ago she got her wish, and at this reception, she got to see all her friends and show off her new grandbaby. It was the perfect occasion! So she stood at the beginning of the line and (I'm sure, though I didn't actually hear any of this) told everyone to look for her granddaughter at the end of the line.

And so I sat, trying not to cough on the nice people who came through the line, or on Cara herself, as she was admired by young and old alike. She handled it beautifully, greeting everyone with wide, curious eyes and big smiles. She was gorgeous in her dark blue gown, and was the perfect accessory to my blue and white skirt and sweater. ;)

It was a very nice event. My favorite part was dancing with Ryan while Becky held a sleeping Cara.

The next day, Cara and I got to sleep while everyone else went to Church, thanks to my cold. Apparently I missed an adorable primary program, but was too grateful for the sleep to have minded much.

But after everyone came home, lunch was eaten, and extended family had departed, we were left alone with Ryan's parents. We started to pack up our things and then came out to the family room to find Cara, sitting contentedly in Grammy's lap, listening to and completely enraptured by a Dr. Seuss book. Grandpa O sat in another chair, watching the scene. Ryan and I settled in on the couch to rest before our drive back to Utah. Cara greeted us with one of her huge grins, and then turned her attention back to the book. Right there, in that quiet room, with the late afternoon sun streaming through the window and surrounded by family, I knew a moment of happiness that I long to replicate every day. Thank you for the good weekend, Grammy Cracker and Grandpa O!

No Boys Allowed

Because this post is about nursing.

A few weeks ago, my mom asked me if I was enjoying nursing. She asked me in the warm tone of voice that said plainly that she had enjoyed it and fully expected me to enjoy it as well. To tell the truth, until she asked me that, it hadn't even occurred to me that I could enjoy it, much less that it was natural to. Of course, since that time, I've been analyzing it, feeling guilty, etc.

I knew that it would probably hurt for the first little while. It did, more than I had anticipated. I also knew that the pain would pass. It did, and now it generally doesn't hurt anymore.

But I still don't like it. I don't hate it per se, except when we're caught away from home. I suppose that it doesn't help that, ever since puberty hit, I've disliked that part of my anatomy. Combine that with an active sense of modesty, and when feeding time hits I feel anxious, exposed, and stuck. It also doesn't help that I am big enough that I can't hold my baby in the traditional manner without suffocating her. I have to lay her on a pillow and hold my skin away from her nose.

Plus, I am working on losing weight. I didn't lose any baby weight after Cara was born. I have lost a few pounds in the last month, but it was by changing my diet. I have had to work to lose it. I don't mind doing this, but I need to in order to fit into my clothes again. Seriously, it's either that or buy a new wardrobe. Hence, I'm not producing enough milk for her and she gets so fussy- understandably, poor thing! Her tummy hurts!

So, the last couple of days I have been supplementing her meals with formula. There are too many health benefits to nursing for me to give it up altogether, but I like this supplementing thing. She has started taking naps again! She smiles and talks during the day! Plus, it opens up possibilities for leaving her with other people so we can go on dates and such.

Maybe it's wierd for me to genuinely not like nursing, but that's me, and I'm okay with that.

This is Really Cool

Click Here

Especially for a Recreational Therapist who believes that RT has become too much about paperwork and too little about fun. There are 3 videos that can also be seen on YouTube, and it's just a fantastic idea!

It's Just Not Fair...

...and some of you might hate me for this. In the kindest and most loving way possible, I'm sure. :)

I am pleased to announce that, as of a week and a half ago, Cara sleeps through the night! Woohoo! It's nice to sleep for a solid chunk of time again.

But here's a cute picture to soften the blow, curtesy of Living Love Photography: