Moms are scary.
To this day, I am scared of them.
And I'm scared of being one of them.
We all know the joke: "Oh, no, I'm becoming my mother!" and "I swore I'd never do that to my kids... I hated it when my parents did it to me, but there I was, a mirror image of my mother."
I am currently reading a book called "How to Hug a Porcupine." It's a great book, and talks about the art of loving difficult and toxic personalities. The big thing it focuses on is criticism. It warns against "parenting" people with the words "should," "need," and "ought." This advice makes so much sense to me, and I truly try to stay away from anything that looks like parenting with most people.
Of course, the question arises, "How do we effectively and kindly parent our children while still showing them respect as individuals?"
And then, a deeper question haunts me. We need to parent our children. They need anywhere from 10-1000 corrections per day. "You need to get dressed, now. No, now." "Please just eat your food; don't play with it." "This letter comes next in the alphabet." "Don't hit your brother." "Play with something else." I understand the need to let children make mistakes and learn from the natural consequences that come. I try really really hard to give them the space to do that. But still, they need direction and guidance. How, when my job is to correct people so often, each and every day for weeks and months and years and years and years, do I keep from being a toxic mom? A toxic person? How on earth can I be loving to my kids? To my husband? To myself, when I fear and hate so much of what I have to do to help other people?
Care to weigh in?
Monday, November 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Falling
Summer cries. Its tears stream down in late afternoon temper tantrums, spending the last of its scorching energy.
Then it fades.
The world settles.
The sun rises lower in the sky.
Ever so slowly, the seasons change.
A leaf begins to die, turning a lively yellow, saluting the sun.
Whole mountains turn red, and a chill moves perceptibly down into the earth.
Darkness becomes a blanket, a presence, a whole world of stars and breath and prayer.
Creatures begin to hide in thicker coats and deeper homes and hoarded food.
In a last farewell, the land covers itself in crimson, gold, and copper.
And, with a last breath and sigh, the summer fades.
Softly, ever so softly, Autumn falls.
With snow, and spices,
the world settles.
It sleeps.
Then it fades.
The world settles.
The sun rises lower in the sky.
Ever so slowly, the seasons change.
A leaf begins to die, turning a lively yellow, saluting the sun.
Whole mountains turn red, and a chill moves perceptibly down into the earth.
Darkness becomes a blanket, a presence, a whole world of stars and breath and prayer.
Creatures begin to hide in thicker coats and deeper homes and hoarded food.
In a last farewell, the land covers itself in crimson, gold, and copper.
And, with a last breath and sigh, the summer fades.
Softly, ever so softly, Autumn falls.
With snow, and spices,
the world settles.
It sleeps.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Facebook Official
Last week, we scheduled our first lesson for Bridle Ranch.
Last night, I bought file boxes.
This afternoon, I designed our website.
Then, I created our facebook page.
That's right, friends. Bridle Ranch is official. It's on facebook.
Bridle Ranch Website
Bridle Ranch Facebook Page
It's rough. But it's a beginning.
Like us. Share us. Tell your friends. And come play!
Last night, I bought file boxes.
This afternoon, I designed our website.
Then, I created our facebook page.
That's right, friends. Bridle Ranch is official. It's on facebook.
Bridle Ranch Website
Bridle Ranch Facebook Page
It's rough. But it's a beginning.
Like us. Share us. Tell your friends. And come play!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I'm Baaaaaack!*
Hello, everybody!
How's your summer been? I hope you've been on lots of fun trips, and gone camping, and soaked in swimming pools and stuff. You deserve it.
We've had a crazy crazy crazy crazy summer. Here's a quick recap:
2 working parents
2 kids
2 cats
2 horses (Yes, we got a second one at the beginning of the summer. His name is Snip. He's cool.)
1 car
and...
2 babysitters.
All of which equals:
a dirty house
a dead lawn
two dead bike tires
a couple of exhausted parents
persisting 3-year-old prayers that Mommy not go to work
one temper tantrum telling Mommy to go back to work
a diploma
a new dining set (I now have the coolest table ever!)
and a "condolences in this time of sorrow" card given to me at my graduation. (It was pretty funny. I laughed.)
I did learn a few things while I was up there. I learned that I don't work well with people with cognitive disabilities. I learned that I'm absolutely terrified of high ropes courses. I learned that I really really really appreciate organization and consistency. I learned that one can get culture shock only an hour away from home. I learned how to better deal with difficult situations and difficult people. I learned more about how to have patience and be calm.
It was, overall a very good experience. It was a huge juggling act, trying to balance 30-40 hours of work a week, 10 hours of driving time, a house, two kids who suddenly don't have parents, a teenager out of the house for the first time, an exhausted husband, an exhausted me, and four animals, not to mention the fact that the work was a huge learning experience for me. Still, like I said, I learned a lot. I can't even articulate most of what I learned, because so much of it was simply the experience of being there and of coming to peace with myself in a new environment with a new population.
Can I tell you what I did, though? For my senior project, I created a training manual template for the company. Basically, they have several different programs up there, but each one is run in its own little way, without much of a sense of cohesion between them. I created a template that each program supervisor will just have to fill in the blanks to complete, and voila! Questions answered, all information covered appropriately, and a sense of cohesion built throughout the company. I was pretty pleased with the results. I'm curious to see if my efforts will actually help them.
So, for the past few weeks, I've been putting my house back together, harvesting our garden, cramming all the fun we should have had over the summer into a few brief hours over the weekends, and working on starting a business. (More to come on that later!)
Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't blogged very much lately. Blogging fell off my list of priorities for awhile. Truthfully, I'm not sure how much time I'll have for it in the next few months, either, but I will try. In the meantime, keep watching for updates on facebook. We're getting a website set up! It'll be awesome.
See you all soon!
*Rachel, this post was instigated by you. Thanks for facebooking me!
How's your summer been? I hope you've been on lots of fun trips, and gone camping, and soaked in swimming pools and stuff. You deserve it.
We've had a crazy crazy crazy crazy summer. Here's a quick recap:
2 working parents
2 kids
2 cats
2 horses (Yes, we got a second one at the beginning of the summer. His name is Snip. He's cool.)
1 car
and...
2 babysitters.
All of which equals:
a dirty house
a dead lawn
two dead bike tires
a couple of exhausted parents
persisting 3-year-old prayers that Mommy not go to work
one temper tantrum telling Mommy to go back to work
a diploma
a new dining set (I now have the coolest table ever!)
and a "condolences in this time of sorrow" card given to me at my graduation. (It was pretty funny. I laughed.)
I did learn a few things while I was up there. I learned that I don't work well with people with cognitive disabilities. I learned that I'm absolutely terrified of high ropes courses. I learned that I really really really appreciate organization and consistency. I learned that one can get culture shock only an hour away from home. I learned how to better deal with difficult situations and difficult people. I learned more about how to have patience and be calm.
It was, overall a very good experience. It was a huge juggling act, trying to balance 30-40 hours of work a week, 10 hours of driving time, a house, two kids who suddenly don't have parents, a teenager out of the house for the first time, an exhausted husband, an exhausted me, and four animals, not to mention the fact that the work was a huge learning experience for me. Still, like I said, I learned a lot. I can't even articulate most of what I learned, because so much of it was simply the experience of being there and of coming to peace with myself in a new environment with a new population.
Can I tell you what I did, though? For my senior project, I created a training manual template for the company. Basically, they have several different programs up there, but each one is run in its own little way, without much of a sense of cohesion between them. I created a template that each program supervisor will just have to fill in the blanks to complete, and voila! Questions answered, all information covered appropriately, and a sense of cohesion built throughout the company. I was pretty pleased with the results. I'm curious to see if my efforts will actually help them.
So, for the past few weeks, I've been putting my house back together, harvesting our garden, cramming all the fun we should have had over the summer into a few brief hours over the weekends, and working on starting a business. (More to come on that later!)
Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't blogged very much lately. Blogging fell off my list of priorities for awhile. Truthfully, I'm not sure how much time I'll have for it in the next few months, either, but I will try. In the meantime, keep watching for updates on facebook. We're getting a website set up! It'll be awesome.
See you all soon!
*Rachel, this post was instigated by you. Thanks for facebooking me!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Internship
Hey!
Did I ever tell you that I got my internship? The one I applied for back in February?
I did. I got it. It's going to be awesome. I'm going to be working with horses and ropes courses and skiing and bike riding and people with disabilities all summer.
Yeah, it's awesome.
And, it starts tomorrow. It goes until August 30th. And it will be crazy/busy/awesome.
And, I just wanted to let you know, in case I'm completely awol for the next 3 months, it's because I'm learning to be crazy/busy/awesome.
Wish me luck!
Also, send blessings and prayers to all the people who are helping me to do this, because seriously, they're all amazing.
Hugs!
Did I ever tell you that I got my internship? The one I applied for back in February?
I did. I got it. It's going to be awesome. I'm going to be working with horses and ropes courses and skiing and bike riding and people with disabilities all summer.
Yeah, it's awesome.
And, it starts tomorrow. It goes until August 30th. And it will be crazy/busy/awesome.
And, I just wanted to let you know, in case I'm completely awol for the next 3 months, it's because I'm learning to be crazy/busy/awesome.
Wish me luck!
Also, send blessings and prayers to all the people who are helping me to do this, because seriously, they're all amazing.
Hugs!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
An Interesting Discovery
*Please disregard any typos, repeats, or things that don't make sense in this particular blog entry. I've been sick for days, and about 5 minutes ago I took some NyQuil to help me sleep tonight.
So there I was, with permission to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I also had the guidance of the Gospel. And, as circumstance would have it, I discovered a fascination with whole grains.
I don't know about you, but "whole grains" in my mind generally translates to "whole wheat" or, occasionally, "oatmeal." I figured there had to be more out there, and I wanted to discover possibilities. I went to Good Earth and bought some quinoa, a couple different types of rice, and some oat bran. I enjoyed them all. Quinoa, in particular, has a fun texture. Plus, I really enjoyed making muffins from scratch using the oat bran. Yummy stuff!
*Ooh... the NyQuil's starting to take effect.
Of course, I also ate a lot of wheat products. After all, the stuff is everywhere. Ev-er-y-where. I mean, there are very few recipes, and probably even fewer boxed foods, that don't contain white flour. Which, of course, is made from wheat flour. This translates to eating wheat almost every single meal of almost every single day of my life.
But that's not a big deal, right? Except for the argument that everything's over-processed and "the whiter the bread the sooner you're dead" which I've heard all my life, wheat flour is still pretty healthy. Get whole wheat flour and make your bread yourself, and you're among the healthy elite.
Except that I was paying attention to my body. For the first time in my life, I was paying attention to how my body felt before and after eating. You know what I discovered?
I know. The buildup is killing you.
My body doesn't like wheat. Wheat turns my stomach to knots and inhibits digestion. Usually, the knots aren't awful. Usually, the guilt of eating outweighed the discomfort in my midsection, and I would just bemoan the fact that, once again, I'd eaten too much, or the wrong food, or put too much butter on my bread.
Once I let go of the guilt and the...
*Huh. That's some powerful stuff.
What was I saying? Oh yeah. Guilt. Once I let go of the guilt and the fear that, for me, surrounded the food, I was able to actually listen to my body and to what it was telling me. I think it's a significant step towards a beautiful relationship with this body I've been riding around in for 29 years.
Long story short, I stopped eating wheat. I stopped eating white flour. I dove into oatmeal and oat bran and rice flour instead.
So far, it's only been a week. Two? One and a half. Ish. But within an hour or two of every meal, I feel the difference. My body feels cleaner. I feel stronger, and healthier, and even more able to think. My digestion has improved, and even my hips don't hurt as much.
*Is anybody else's room spinning?
For most people, eating wheat is probably a good thing. For me, it's not. But I like feeling freer and stronger and knowing that my body is working as it should. That outweighs the need to change my diet. And while I am changing my diet, I could start eating wheat products again if I wanted to. The point is, I don't want to. I like the feeling, now, of having my body working. I may lose weight. I may not. Right now, I don't really care. Right now, I'm eating for a healthy body right now.
And that feels good.
*Also, I need to go to bed now.
So there I was, with permission to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. I also had the guidance of the Gospel. And, as circumstance would have it, I discovered a fascination with whole grains.
I don't know about you, but "whole grains" in my mind generally translates to "whole wheat" or, occasionally, "oatmeal." I figured there had to be more out there, and I wanted to discover possibilities. I went to Good Earth and bought some quinoa, a couple different types of rice, and some oat bran. I enjoyed them all. Quinoa, in particular, has a fun texture. Plus, I really enjoyed making muffins from scratch using the oat bran. Yummy stuff!
*Ooh... the NyQuil's starting to take effect.
Of course, I also ate a lot of wheat products. After all, the stuff is everywhere. Ev-er-y-where. I mean, there are very few recipes, and probably even fewer boxed foods, that don't contain white flour. Which, of course, is made from wheat flour. This translates to eating wheat almost every single meal of almost every single day of my life.
But that's not a big deal, right? Except for the argument that everything's over-processed and "the whiter the bread the sooner you're dead" which I've heard all my life, wheat flour is still pretty healthy. Get whole wheat flour and make your bread yourself, and you're among the healthy elite.
Except that I was paying attention to my body. For the first time in my life, I was paying attention to how my body felt before and after eating. You know what I discovered?
I know. The buildup is killing you.
My body doesn't like wheat. Wheat turns my stomach to knots and inhibits digestion. Usually, the knots aren't awful. Usually, the guilt of eating outweighed the discomfort in my midsection, and I would just bemoan the fact that, once again, I'd eaten too much, or the wrong food, or put too much butter on my bread.
Once I let go of the guilt and the...
*Huh. That's some powerful stuff.
What was I saying? Oh yeah. Guilt. Once I let go of the guilt and the fear that, for me, surrounded the food, I was able to actually listen to my body and to what it was telling me. I think it's a significant step towards a beautiful relationship with this body I've been riding around in for 29 years.
Long story short, I stopped eating wheat. I stopped eating white flour. I dove into oatmeal and oat bran and rice flour instead.
So far, it's only been a week. Two? One and a half. Ish. But within an hour or two of every meal, I feel the difference. My body feels cleaner. I feel stronger, and healthier, and even more able to think. My digestion has improved, and even my hips don't hurt as much.
*Is anybody else's room spinning?
For most people, eating wheat is probably a good thing. For me, it's not. But I like feeling freer and stronger and knowing that my body is working as it should. That outweighs the need to change my diet. And while I am changing my diet, I could start eating wheat products again if I wanted to. The point is, I don't want to. I like the feeling, now, of having my body working. I may lose weight. I may not. Right now, I don't really care. Right now, I'm eating for a healthy body right now.
And that feels good.
*Also, I need to go to bed now.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A Gospel Perspective on Eating
I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe most, if not all, of my readers are both aware of this and are or have been members themselves. Hence, we all know about the Word of Wisdom.
Generally, it is accepted that we don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or drink coffee or tea. However, a few months ago, I came across an article in the Ensign (the Church's magazine) that details the word of wisdom a bit more in detail. This is what it said:
Eat meat sparingly.
All grain is good.
Don't work too hard.
Get enough sleep.
Sorry. I had to repeat that to myself. It's so simple! Given that there are so many views on eating out there, it was nice to read something from a very reputable source that was so simple.
Of course, there are so many other things that I have learned over the years: Don't eat fats and oils. Don't eat carbs. Processed food is bad. Salt is bad. Sugar is bad. Dairy is bad. Calories are bad. Please eat only vegetables and this fake sweetener and spend 6 hours a day at the gym so you can look like Jillian Michaels.
At my most fit, when I was walking at my job approximately 25 hours a week (including mucking out stalls and riding horses) and exercising 2-3 hours on my days off, and counting calories each day, I got down to a size 10. I was still 5 pounds over my goal weight. Don't get me wrong- I enjoyed looking in the mirror! For the first time in my life, I enjoyed buying clothes. Of course, then I got pregnant, and that lifestyle was no longer a possibility.
But, oh, I so wanted to be skinny! I wanted to stop hating my body! Geneen Roth gave me some of the tools to achieve that end, but I was tired of guessing. Was this just another thing to try but that, in the end, wouldn't get me what I wanted?
So, I prayed. I spent all of General Conference weekend praying about it. My answer?
"Eat what you're supposed to, and don't worry about it so much."
Oh.
So, follow those simple steps outlined in the Word of Wisdom, and recognize that my waist size doesn't matter in the eternities? Simple, but oh-so-hard!
In subsequent weeks, I've been trying to do just that. Have you seen Beauty Redefined? They're on facebook. They also have billboards up in my neck of the woods. Their goal is to help women see themselves as more than things to be looked at. They are trying to combat the harmful messages so prevalent in the media. They are helpful, but it is so difficult to get past the beliefs, so central to my being, that my body is too big.
How do you feel about your body? Do you love yourself, body and all? Do you struggle with liking the person you are inside your body?
How do you eat? Do you subscribe to a particular diet plan? Do you listen to your body when you eat, when you're hungry, when you're full? Are you happy with eating?
I'd love to hear your input on this!
Generally, it is accepted that we don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or drink coffee or tea. However, a few months ago, I came across an article in the Ensign (the Church's magazine) that details the word of wisdom a bit more in detail. This is what it said:
- Fruits, vegetables, and wholesome herbs are to be used “in the season thereof” and “with prudence and thanksgiving” (see D&C 89:10–11).
- Meat and poultry have been “ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly” (D&C 89:12).
- “All grain is good for the food of man” (D&C 89:16).
- We should not “labor more than [we] have strength” (D&C 10:4).
- We should develop proper sleeping habits so “[our] bodies and [our] minds may be invigorated” (D&C 88:124).
There you have it. Plain and simple. Eat fruits and vegetables in their season. Eat meat, but do so sparingly. All grain is good. Those are straight from the passage that talks about the Word of Wisdom. The others, don't work more than you have strength and get enough sleep, are found elsewhere but, I think, equally important.
Eat meat sparingly.
All grain is good.
Don't work too hard.
Get enough sleep.
Sorry. I had to repeat that to myself. It's so simple! Given that there are so many views on eating out there, it was nice to read something from a very reputable source that was so simple.
Of course, there are so many other things that I have learned over the years: Don't eat fats and oils. Don't eat carbs. Processed food is bad. Salt is bad. Sugar is bad. Dairy is bad. Calories are bad. Please eat only vegetables and this fake sweetener and spend 6 hours a day at the gym so you can look like Jillian Michaels.
At my most fit, when I was walking at my job approximately 25 hours a week (including mucking out stalls and riding horses) and exercising 2-3 hours on my days off, and counting calories each day, I got down to a size 10. I was still 5 pounds over my goal weight. Don't get me wrong- I enjoyed looking in the mirror! For the first time in my life, I enjoyed buying clothes. Of course, then I got pregnant, and that lifestyle was no longer a possibility.
But, oh, I so wanted to be skinny! I wanted to stop hating my body! Geneen Roth gave me some of the tools to achieve that end, but I was tired of guessing. Was this just another thing to try but that, in the end, wouldn't get me what I wanted?
So, I prayed. I spent all of General Conference weekend praying about it. My answer?
"Eat what you're supposed to, and don't worry about it so much."
Oh.
So, follow those simple steps outlined in the Word of Wisdom, and recognize that my waist size doesn't matter in the eternities? Simple, but oh-so-hard!
In subsequent weeks, I've been trying to do just that. Have you seen Beauty Redefined? They're on facebook. They also have billboards up in my neck of the woods. Their goal is to help women see themselves as more than things to be looked at. They are trying to combat the harmful messages so prevalent in the media. They are helpful, but it is so difficult to get past the beliefs, so central to my being, that my body is too big.
How do you feel about your body? Do you love yourself, body and all? Do you struggle with liking the person you are inside your body?
How do you eat? Do you subscribe to a particular diet plan? Do you listen to your body when you eat, when you're hungry, when you're full? Are you happy with eating?
I'd love to hear your input on this!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The First While
I made Oreo truffles. They're amazing. You blend up Oreos (Or mint oreos, or double stuf, or peanut butter...) and mix them with cream cheese. You form them into balls, and dip them in melted chocolate. Let them sit and, voila! Oh, the yumminess!
I ate those for breakfast a couple of mornings. They were fabulous, and I enjoyed every bite. Then, when I was done, I was really done. I haven't really had the desire to make them, since.
You know the best thing about it? I haven't wanted any. I ate them, and now I'm not fighting with myself and trying to resign myself to never being able to eat those, because my hips can't take it. No, I ate them until I was done, and then I moved on.
In the weeks since, I have come to realize that I fear hunger. I also fear feeling full. You see, if I feel hungry, it means that soon I'm going to lose control and eat too much of the wrong things. If I feel full, it is because I ate too much, period, and the guilt will soon be taking up residence on my shoulders. Both of them. Because we all know the guilt of eating is a back-bowing heaviness that settles on our hips and bellies and under our arms.
Are you afraid of hunger? Are you afraid of fulness?
I'm trying to overcome that.
I am a person. I am a beautiful, wonderful person. I am strong in many ways. I work hard to be kind, to be smart, to do the best I know how to do. I will never be stick-skinny, and I will probably never wear size 2s. My body is beautiful. It is unique. It houses the essence of who I am and deserves all my love. And, as I learn to love myself more, I increase the ability I have to love others.
I've decided that the clothes manufacturers are wrong. I'm not too fat; they're too skinny. (It's a step, and if it's not in the right direction, at least it's in a different direction. I'm experimenting, here.)
When I'm hungry, it means I'm alive, and I get to sustain that life and nourish it. When I'm full, it means I've cared for myself and given my body something it needs. Every sensation, I think, is in some way a celebration of life and all that it means.
Bring on the truffles, and the corn on the cob, and the bread, and the sugar, and the apples, and the love.
I ate those for breakfast a couple of mornings. They were fabulous, and I enjoyed every bite. Then, when I was done, I was really done. I haven't really had the desire to make them, since.
You know the best thing about it? I haven't wanted any. I ate them, and now I'm not fighting with myself and trying to resign myself to never being able to eat those, because my hips can't take it. No, I ate them until I was done, and then I moved on.
In the weeks since, I have come to realize that I fear hunger. I also fear feeling full. You see, if I feel hungry, it means that soon I'm going to lose control and eat too much of the wrong things. If I feel full, it is because I ate too much, period, and the guilt will soon be taking up residence on my shoulders. Both of them. Because we all know the guilt of eating is a back-bowing heaviness that settles on our hips and bellies and under our arms.
Are you afraid of hunger? Are you afraid of fulness?
I'm trying to overcome that.
I am a person. I am a beautiful, wonderful person. I am strong in many ways. I work hard to be kind, to be smart, to do the best I know how to do. I will never be stick-skinny, and I will probably never wear size 2s. My body is beautiful. It is unique. It houses the essence of who I am and deserves all my love. And, as I learn to love myself more, I increase the ability I have to love others.
I've decided that the clothes manufacturers are wrong. I'm not too fat; they're too skinny. (It's a step, and if it's not in the right direction, at least it's in a different direction. I'm experimenting, here.)
When I'm hungry, it means I'm alive, and I get to sustain that life and nourish it. When I'm full, it means I've cared for myself and given my body something it needs. Every sensation, I think, is in some way a celebration of life and all that it means.
Bring on the truffles, and the corn on the cob, and the bread, and the sugar, and the apples, and the love.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
On Weight Loss
"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." -I don't know who said this, but it's on Pinterest all the time.
Here's what I've always done: Feel fat, start exercising, try to eat less or healthier, lose some weight, don't reach my goal weight, get sick of feeling hungry and deprived all the time, get discouraged because I'm not reaching my goal weight and it's taking FOREVER, eat little snacks througout the day, justify that said snacks are okay, and eventually give up for awhile, having lost some weight but still feeling like a failure because I didn't do what I set out to do.
I do have a couple of advantages. The first is that I do know a lot of the principles of eating healthy. Also, once I lose weight, it doesn't immediately come back. I attribute that to knowing mostly how to eat healthy.
You want to know something interesting? A lot of people think they'll be happy when they lose the extra weight. A lot of those same people aren't happy if and when they do.
There is no magic pill for permanent weight loss. Weight loss is not a magic pill for feeling happy.
What is the phrase? Mind Blown.
Have you ever read the writings of Geneen Roth? She has some interesting things to say. Plus, she's an interesting writer, which makes her books fun to read. Basically, she decided one day, after years and years of dieting and bingeing and being anywhere from anorexic to obese, that she was no longer going to diet. Ever. It wasn't worth it.
The first year on this plan, she ate ice cream and cakes and cookies and learned to love and listen to her body and her instincts. She gained 15 pounds.
The second year on this plan, she practiced loving and respecting and listening to her body. She lost 30 pounds, and has been there ever since. She learned to be happy being herself at whatever weight she was, and because she loved her body, she wanted to take care of it.
I like that plan. I want to listen to my body. I've been trying it for the last few months. It's been fun. It's been surprisingly hard. It continues to be hard. It continues to be fun. I'm still learning. I don't think I went quite as batty as Geneen did when she stopped dieting, but I have begun to enjoy this whole eating thing.
Stay tuned... there will be more to come on this topic!
Here's what I've always done: Feel fat, start exercising, try to eat less or healthier, lose some weight, don't reach my goal weight, get sick of feeling hungry and deprived all the time, get discouraged because I'm not reaching my goal weight and it's taking FOREVER, eat little snacks througout the day, justify that said snacks are okay, and eventually give up for awhile, having lost some weight but still feeling like a failure because I didn't do what I set out to do.
I do have a couple of advantages. The first is that I do know a lot of the principles of eating healthy. Also, once I lose weight, it doesn't immediately come back. I attribute that to knowing mostly how to eat healthy.
You want to know something interesting? A lot of people think they'll be happy when they lose the extra weight. A lot of those same people aren't happy if and when they do.
There is no magic pill for permanent weight loss. Weight loss is not a magic pill for feeling happy.
What is the phrase? Mind Blown.
Have you ever read the writings of Geneen Roth? She has some interesting things to say. Plus, she's an interesting writer, which makes her books fun to read. Basically, she decided one day, after years and years of dieting and bingeing and being anywhere from anorexic to obese, that she was no longer going to diet. Ever. It wasn't worth it.
The first year on this plan, she ate ice cream and cakes and cookies and learned to love and listen to her body and her instincts. She gained 15 pounds.
The second year on this plan, she practiced loving and respecting and listening to her body. She lost 30 pounds, and has been there ever since. She learned to be happy being herself at whatever weight she was, and because she loved her body, she wanted to take care of it.
I like that plan. I want to listen to my body. I've been trying it for the last few months. It's been fun. It's been surprisingly hard. It continues to be hard. It continues to be fun. I'm still learning. I don't think I went quite as batty as Geneen did when she stopped dieting, but I have begun to enjoy this whole eating thing.
Stay tuned... there will be more to come on this topic!
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Glass: A Discussion
P: Your glass is half empty.
O: Is it?
R: Well, it's a 10 ounce glass, and there are currently 5 ounces of orange juice in it.
O: I only put 8 ounces in there to begin with. Maybe it's 5/8 full.
R: The fact remains, it's a 10 ounce glass, and there are 5 ounces of orange juice. That means we have 5 ounces of orange juice. If you transferred the juice to a 5 ounce glass, the glass would be completely full.
P: That doesn't solve the problem at all. If you change the shape of the problem, it still remains the same problem. There used to be 8 ounces, and now there are only 5. The orange juice is disappearing.
O: But I like this glass. I don't want a smaller one. This one fits my hand nicely.
R: The size of the glass doesn't matter. What matters is how much orange juice you have now.
O: The size of the glass does matter. There is more potential with a bigger glass.
R: Why would more potential matter? You have 8 ounces of juice; you should have an 8 ounce glass.
P: Actually, the juice is disappearing. There were 8 ounces. Now there are 5.
O: Actually, now we're down to 1 ounce of juice.
P: Ah! The rate of disappearance is increasing!
R: Which means we now need a 1 ounce cup.
O: But I started with 8 ounces of juice.
R: That doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you have now.
P: The past definitely matters! There should be a bigger glass to begin with. If the rate of disappearance keeps increasing, you need to start with an infinitely large glass.
O: That's... a little ridiculous.
R: That's completely ridiculous. The rate of disappearance doesn't matter. All that matters is what is in the glass now. Why give yourself a bigger glass to make you think things are better than they are?
P: It's not to make you think things are better than they are. It's to give you a better chance of having enough orange juice even though it keeps disappearing.
R: What is enough? You have what you have, no more, no less.
O: Unless you drink it all, in which case you have none left.
P: Your glass is empty.
O: Or my stomach is half full.
P: Doesn't that make you sad?
R: Why sad? What is the point of being sad about the lack of orange juice? It is what it is.
P: But now there's no more.
O: Unless I pour more.
R: How much are you pouring?
P: Aha! You did start with a bigger glass! Or, pitcher.
O: Or an orange tree. Hey look! My glass is full!
P: Until you drink it all.
O: Funny thing about that...
O: Is it?
R: Well, it's a 10 ounce glass, and there are currently 5 ounces of orange juice in it.
O: I only put 8 ounces in there to begin with. Maybe it's 5/8 full.
R: The fact remains, it's a 10 ounce glass, and there are 5 ounces of orange juice. That means we have 5 ounces of orange juice. If you transferred the juice to a 5 ounce glass, the glass would be completely full.
P: That doesn't solve the problem at all. If you change the shape of the problem, it still remains the same problem. There used to be 8 ounces, and now there are only 5. The orange juice is disappearing.
O: But I like this glass. I don't want a smaller one. This one fits my hand nicely.
R: The size of the glass doesn't matter. What matters is how much orange juice you have now.
O: The size of the glass does matter. There is more potential with a bigger glass.
R: Why would more potential matter? You have 8 ounces of juice; you should have an 8 ounce glass.
P: Actually, the juice is disappearing. There were 8 ounces. Now there are 5.
O: Actually, now we're down to 1 ounce of juice.
P: Ah! The rate of disappearance is increasing!
R: Which means we now need a 1 ounce cup.
O: But I started with 8 ounces of juice.
R: That doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you have now.
P: The past definitely matters! There should be a bigger glass to begin with. If the rate of disappearance keeps increasing, you need to start with an infinitely large glass.
O: That's... a little ridiculous.
R: That's completely ridiculous. The rate of disappearance doesn't matter. All that matters is what is in the glass now. Why give yourself a bigger glass to make you think things are better than they are?
P: It's not to make you think things are better than they are. It's to give you a better chance of having enough orange juice even though it keeps disappearing.
R: What is enough? You have what you have, no more, no less.
O: Unless you drink it all, in which case you have none left.
P: Your glass is empty.
O: Or my stomach is half full.
P: Doesn't that make you sad?
R: Why sad? What is the point of being sad about the lack of orange juice? It is what it is.
P: But now there's no more.
O: Unless I pour more.
R: How much are you pouring?
P: Aha! You did start with a bigger glass! Or, pitcher.
O: Or an orange tree. Hey look! My glass is full!
P: Until you drink it all.
O: Funny thing about that...
Friday, April 13, 2012
Why I Don't Wear Makeup
“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I
believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when
everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the
prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in
miracles.”
― Audrey Hepburn
I believe in love. I believe in laughter, in color, in wonder, and in waterfalls. I believe in the power of words and pictures and music. I believe in listening to other people. I believe in listening to myself. I believe that being outside with horses can heal people. I believe that everyone can be truly awe-inspiringly awesome.
- Me
Here's the thing. I like makeup. I enjoy wearing it. I applaud those who wear makeup- even more so if they wear it well and dutifully take it off every night.
This post is in no way a crusade against makeup. It happens to be my personal reasons for not usually wearing makeup.
I also think it's one of the more interesting things about me.
Ready?
Here we go.
I look in the mirror many times a day. Mostly, that's because I have the world's smallest bladder, and there's a mirror in almost every bathroom in the world. (I've been to China. It's true there, and it's true here. That's got to be a majority of the world, right?) When I wear makeup, I see a very pretty face in the mirror. It's been artfully crafted to have just the right amount of color in all the right places. My eyelashes are dark and long and make my eyes pop. My lips are shimmery. My skin is uniform, except where I have carefully placed blush. I'm not perfect at doing makeup by any means, but there is no argument that makeup makes a big difference on my face. I like it.
When I don't wear makeup, I also like my face. Nothing is very uniform, but it's clean. It's fresh. I happen to think it's a pretty face. I like thinking I have a pretty face.
When I wear makeup every day, I have to take it off every day. That means that twice a day, once before I put it on and once after I take it off, I get to see my real face. Then, I get an almost immediate comparison of makeup-face vs. non-makeup-face. Both are pretty. Non-makeup-face is, by design, less "perfect" and uniform and eye-poppy than makeup-face. On occasion, this is okay. However, if I do it every day, non-makeup-face starts to feel inferior to makeup-face. This, of course, leads to all sorts of self-concept-bashing that I just don't need to deal with in the morning. Or ever.
"In an ideal world no one would talk before 10am. People would just hug because waking up is hard"
-Zooey Deschanel.
Apparently I'm feeling quotey today. :)
So, there you have it. I don't wear makeup because I want to like looking at my real face in the mirror every day. And, you know what? I do.
― Audrey Hepburn
I believe in love. I believe in laughter, in color, in wonder, and in waterfalls. I believe in the power of words and pictures and music. I believe in listening to other people. I believe in listening to myself. I believe that being outside with horses can heal people. I believe that everyone can be truly awe-inspiringly awesome.
- Me
Here's the thing. I like makeup. I enjoy wearing it. I applaud those who wear makeup- even more so if they wear it well and dutifully take it off every night.
This post is in no way a crusade against makeup. It happens to be my personal reasons for not usually wearing makeup.
I also think it's one of the more interesting things about me.
Ready?
Here we go.
I look in the mirror many times a day. Mostly, that's because I have the world's smallest bladder, and there's a mirror in almost every bathroom in the world. (I've been to China. It's true there, and it's true here. That's got to be a majority of the world, right?) When I wear makeup, I see a very pretty face in the mirror. It's been artfully crafted to have just the right amount of color in all the right places. My eyelashes are dark and long and make my eyes pop. My lips are shimmery. My skin is uniform, except where I have carefully placed blush. I'm not perfect at doing makeup by any means, but there is no argument that makeup makes a big difference on my face. I like it.
When I don't wear makeup, I also like my face. Nothing is very uniform, but it's clean. It's fresh. I happen to think it's a pretty face. I like thinking I have a pretty face.
When I wear makeup every day, I have to take it off every day. That means that twice a day, once before I put it on and once after I take it off, I get to see my real face. Then, I get an almost immediate comparison of makeup-face vs. non-makeup-face. Both are pretty. Non-makeup-face is, by design, less "perfect" and uniform and eye-poppy than makeup-face. On occasion, this is okay. However, if I do it every day, non-makeup-face starts to feel inferior to makeup-face. This, of course, leads to all sorts of self-concept-bashing that I just don't need to deal with in the morning. Or ever.
"In an ideal world no one would talk before 10am. People would just hug because waking up is hard"
-Zooey Deschanel.
Apparently I'm feeling quotey today. :)
So, there you have it. I don't wear makeup because I want to like looking at my real face in the mirror every day. And, you know what? I do.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Little Girl Awesomeness
Me: Where are you?
Schprid: I in the floor!
Me: You're in the floor?
Schprid: No, I up here!
Me, thinking about all the things she could be getting into or falling off of "up here": Should I be nervous?
Schprid: Yeah!
Yesterday, we were at Grammy and O's house, which is the receptacle of all the fun toys ever invented. As Schprid was playing on the slide, I tossed a nerf football from two feet away, which hit her on the side of her face. We all laughed about it. A few minutes later, she posed for the shot and requested, "Mommy, you throw the ball and hit my face?" We all laughed again, this time harder. Apparently, though, Mommy's laughing looks painful, because the Schprid came over, gave me a big hug, and asked, "Mommy, you okay?" This landed me on the floor, laughing still harder, at which point she admonished, "Mommy, you calm down!"
Schprid: I in the floor!
Me: You're in the floor?
Schprid: No, I up here!
Me, thinking about all the things she could be getting into or falling off of "up here": Should I be nervous?
Schprid: Yeah!
Yesterday, we were at Grammy and O's house, which is the receptacle of all the fun toys ever invented. As Schprid was playing on the slide, I tossed a nerf football from two feet away, which hit her on the side of her face. We all laughed about it. A few minutes later, she posed for the shot and requested, "Mommy, you throw the ball and hit my face?" We all laughed again, this time harder. Apparently, though, Mommy's laughing looks painful, because the Schprid came over, gave me a big hug, and asked, "Mommy, you okay?" This landed me on the floor, laughing still harder, at which point she admonished, "Mommy, you calm down!"
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Going Blue
We're going green.
Or, rather, we're going blue.
Let me explain.
No, take too long. Let me sum up. (50 points if you can name that movie!)
(My husband just got 50 points. I'm so very proud.)
Several months ago, we got two extra trash cans on our property. As is appropriate, the one for yard waste is green. It makes sense, and is aesthetically pleasing when you put the lawn clippings inside.
That leaves only one other logical color for the recycling bin- blue. It also makes sense; last time I checked, 70% of the world was ocean, which makes it, very pleasingly, blue. Unless, of course, we overrun the ocean with our factories and sludge, in which case the oceans will apparently turn brown.
We, of course, are now recycling, so the ocean won't turn brown on our account. :)
All of this leaves me with a problem. You see, when I go to put our excess newspapers and unused coupons in the recycling bin, I pat myself on the back and think, "We're totally going green!" Of course, at that point, I put our excess newspapers and unused coupons in the green trash can. They slowly float to the bottom, nestle in amongst the sad leftover grass clippings from last summer, and taunt me because I can't reach them.
Then, I slap myself on the forehead and scold myself. "Blue! We're going BLUE, not green. Stupid, freched, sldisjhaosdkjeoskdl..." The neighbors, who have been alerted by my shouting and are anticipating a show, peek out their windows to see me trying to jump in the garbage can to retrieve the offending papers. Then, because the garbage can is on wheels, it tips over, with me stuck inside, legs hanging out the top, as the lid slams down and smacks me in the behind. Success! I can reach the papers. I do so, and slowly crawl back out of the garbage can, trying in vain to brush the grass bits from my hair and clothes. I leave the can laying on the ground. Stupid garbage can. It has no business being green. Finally, I can drop the papers in the blue recycle bin, where they belong.
Because we live on a blue planet. Not green.
Definitely not green.
Stupid garbage cans.
Or, rather, we're going blue.
Let me explain.
No, take too long. Let me sum up. (50 points if you can name that movie!)
(My husband just got 50 points. I'm so very proud.)
Several months ago, we got two extra trash cans on our property. As is appropriate, the one for yard waste is green. It makes sense, and is aesthetically pleasing when you put the lawn clippings inside.
That leaves only one other logical color for the recycling bin- blue. It also makes sense; last time I checked, 70% of the world was ocean, which makes it, very pleasingly, blue. Unless, of course, we overrun the ocean with our factories and sludge, in which case the oceans will apparently turn brown.
We, of course, are now recycling, so the ocean won't turn brown on our account. :)
All of this leaves me with a problem. You see, when I go to put our excess newspapers and unused coupons in the recycling bin, I pat myself on the back and think, "We're totally going green!" Of course, at that point, I put our excess newspapers and unused coupons in the green trash can. They slowly float to the bottom, nestle in amongst the sad leftover grass clippings from last summer, and taunt me because I can't reach them.
Then, I slap myself on the forehead and scold myself. "Blue! We're going BLUE, not green. Stupid, freched, sldisjhaosdkjeoskdl..." The neighbors, who have been alerted by my shouting and are anticipating a show, peek out their windows to see me trying to jump in the garbage can to retrieve the offending papers. Then, because the garbage can is on wheels, it tips over, with me stuck inside, legs hanging out the top, as the lid slams down and smacks me in the behind. Success! I can reach the papers. I do so, and slowly crawl back out of the garbage can, trying in vain to brush the grass bits from my hair and clothes. I leave the can laying on the ground. Stupid garbage can. It has no business being green. Finally, I can drop the papers in the blue recycle bin, where they belong.
Because we live on a blue planet. Not green.
Definitely not green.
Stupid garbage cans.
Monday, February 6, 2012
On a Lighter Note
Thank you, friends, for your wonderful responses to my last post. I have gotten through a few of the things that have been stressing me out, and now I'm back at the normal level of craziness. Life is pretty good. And, I would like to share one of my favorite songs with you. Enjoy!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Sharing Myself
Today, I don't like myself.
Do you ever have days like that? I hope not.
I see myself, today, as a complete failure. I see my past successes as nothing more than lucky guesses and help from wonderful people around me. I see future successes as complete impossibilities. I work so hard, feel that I do so much. Yet still I fail. How can I do more? How can I possibly do what I would need to do to succeed in anything, when doing what I do now is so hard, so tiring? I suppose I could do more. I could wrap myself up in emotional armor, and smile at everyone, and speak cheerfully, and think long and hard about how I could squeeze a few more minutes out of my day and a few more tries to be better out of my heart.
Unfortunately, while the minutes and the tries make me feel as though I'm doing better, I'm not sure that, in actuality, I really am doing any better.
Better at what? I don't really know. Everything.
Everything is a lot to tackle.
The smiles and the armor don't take away the tears that are, even now, running down my cheeks.
I share this with you because I've been here before. I'm familiar with this place. As much as I like to think it helps, the armor doesn't do any good. I'm sharing with you, because right now, it's not too bad. I'm sharing with you because you're my friend. I trust you with the pain I feel right now, and hope that by sharing I'm not burdening you too much.
Nobody's life is roses and sunshine all the time. Nobody's life is bad poetry all the time. I'm sharing with you because right now, I need you. I won't always burden you so, but for right now, may I please feel that I can always burden you?
Thank you for being my friend.
Do you ever have days like that? I hope not.
I see myself, today, as a complete failure. I see my past successes as nothing more than lucky guesses and help from wonderful people around me. I see future successes as complete impossibilities. I work so hard, feel that I do so much. Yet still I fail. How can I do more? How can I possibly do what I would need to do to succeed in anything, when doing what I do now is so hard, so tiring? I suppose I could do more. I could wrap myself up in emotional armor, and smile at everyone, and speak cheerfully, and think long and hard about how I could squeeze a few more minutes out of my day and a few more tries to be better out of my heart.
Unfortunately, while the minutes and the tries make me feel as though I'm doing better, I'm not sure that, in actuality, I really am doing any better.
Better at what? I don't really know. Everything.
Everything is a lot to tackle.
The smiles and the armor don't take away the tears that are, even now, running down my cheeks.
I share this with you because I've been here before. I'm familiar with this place. As much as I like to think it helps, the armor doesn't do any good. I'm sharing with you, because right now, it's not too bad. I'm sharing with you because you're my friend. I trust you with the pain I feel right now, and hope that by sharing I'm not burdening you too much.
Nobody's life is roses and sunshine all the time. Nobody's life is bad poetry all the time. I'm sharing with you because right now, I need you. I won't always burden you so, but for right now, may I please feel that I can always burden you?
Thank you for being my friend.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Hot Off The Press
The Bubble
Here it is! It's finally for sale! You can't find it on Amazon, but it's a better deal off of Lulu.com anyway- same price, faster shipping, and I get royalties. You love me, right?
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