Thursday, February 2, 2012

Sharing Myself

Today, I don't like myself. 

Do you ever have days like that?  I hope not.

I see myself, today, as a complete failure.  I see my past successes as nothing more than lucky guesses and help from wonderful people around me.  I see future successes as complete impossibilities.  I work so hard, feel that I do so much.  Yet still I fail.  How can I do more?  How can I possibly do what I would need to do to succeed in anything, when doing what I do now is so hard, so tiring?  I suppose I could do more.  I could wrap myself up in emotional armor, and smile at everyone, and speak cheerfully, and think long and hard about how I could squeeze a few more minutes out of my day and a few more tries to be better out of my heart.

Unfortunately, while the minutes and the tries make me feel as though I'm doing better, I'm not sure that, in actuality, I really am doing any better. 

Better at what?  I don't really know.  Everything.

Everything is a lot to tackle.

The smiles and the armor don't take away the tears that are, even now, running down my cheeks. 

I share this with you because I've been here before.  I'm familiar with this place.  As much as I like to think it helps, the armor doesn't do any good.  I'm sharing with you, because right now, it's not too bad.  I'm sharing with you because you're my friend.  I trust you with the pain I feel right now, and hope that by sharing I'm not burdening you too much. 

Nobody's life is roses and sunshine all the time.  Nobody's life is bad poetry all the time.  I'm sharing with you because right now, I need you.  I won't always burden you so, but for right now, may I please feel that I can always burden you? 

Thank you for being my friend.

10 comments:

Julie/Mom said...

I hope writing it down helps you to feel better about yourself. I think we all have those days...please remember God loves you and so do I!
Keep moving, Keep smiling and the day will get better! Thinking of you!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Chels, I'm 100% positive that you are not a failure. Hello! You just published a book! And have you seen your kids? Adorable!

Also, I love you. And all the people that I love are amazing.

P.S. I'm going to ben in Utah the second week of June and I desperately need to see you.

Lynn said...

I hate times like that, but at least you recognize you are trying very hard. You're not sitting around doing nothing.

But...Maybe you think too much.

Thinking the word "should" always gets us in trouble.

do not run faster than you have strength or means.

WV: crual--the way the world seems at times when life just gets to be too much. The way we are to ourselves when we expect too much.

Question: to whom are you comparing yourself? Because nobody has exactly your life, so you can't expect to have exactly theirs, and you don't see behind the scenes.

If you are not sure you are doing all that running around in the right directions, are you spending time on your knees?

Just some possibly helpful thoughts. Why, as women, do we feel like we need to fix everything? We want to make Chelsea feel better, take away the stress, etc.

So nevermind, I'll just sit here and cry with you, 'cause I feel bad you're having a day like that.

Becca Meservy said...

I love you.
And I'm glad you posted about YOUR BOOK (!!!!!!) on Facebook because now, being aware of your blog, I can blog stalk you (read: find out what amazing adventures she's been up to for the past eternity)!
And YOU, my dear, happen to be an extremely capable woman, and we'd better start counting that as a plus, now hadn't we! You are also: loving, tasteful, tactful (That's beyond some folks you know.), enduring, gentle, freckled, maternal, spunky, good natured, and you cook very well.
Now, you pick one, go look in the mirror and say it to yourself, from me! Love you!

Unknown said...

Aw, I've always known you were awesome. Sorry you're having a rough time, though. **Hugs!**

Carla

Skyjam said...

You're a wonderful human being, and I love you. You're passionate, loving, creative, intelligent, a very supportive sister, a fantastic mother...I can't speak for your wifery, but Ryan seems to think you're doing a swell job. So, be happy! :D

Lynn said...

I need your mailing address. do you have my email? or can you message me on fb?

WV: sails: sounds like the week has really taken the wind out of your sails!

Maybe it's post-partum depression. have you seen a doctor?

Jessie said...

Oh Chelsea! I am so sorry you are in a rough patch! What can I do to help? I've been thinking about you all day, hoping things went well last night and today!

Maria said...

You are absolutely amazing! Everyone is entitled to a blubbery moment, but remember who you are! You have accomplished so much in this life and I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves you not to mention the countless others in your lives.

I was having a little sad moment myself, and my husband told me took look around me, at those I touch daily, and are they happy and do they love me. He says if my answer is yes, I am obviously doing it right. I have seen pics and heard stories (not to mention all of these wonderful comments) and you are obviously doing it right! Love ya!

Kelty said...

OH - Dear Chelsea, I've been there before.

I'm sad that I didn't read this post sooner. I'd like to stay in touch better with friends, but would you know it, its those exact same feelings somedays that make me feel like "I can't handle one thing more" to do. Even though friendships are the #1 thing that can make me feel better when I am down (not movies, even a comedy) I have a hard time reaching out. Thank you, Dear Chelsea, for writing this post and helping me remember that I am not alone. I've changed some things lately so that I can have more time, and hopefully I will use that time to give you a call soon! I'd love to catch up - and whenever I think of where I would like to move next, I think of living back in Utah where we could share our friendship again. Always feel free to call me: 801-473-7903 - I would never want you to feel like a 'project', but now that I am aspiring to be a counselor, all the extra listening practice I can get doesn't hurt!

Sending a hug,

Kelty