Monday, September 3, 2007

A Bit of Angst

Right now, I have the Tomb Raider soundtrack playing on my stereo, wishing desperately that I didn't have neighbors next to me, below me, kitty-corner to me... it could be worse. I could be stuck in a Thai prison after being falsely accused of drug smuggling like in Brokedown Palace. I should not be angry. My roommates, though they encroached on space that I had only borrowed to begin with, are very nice people. I've even met a really nice guy that gave me one of the best nights I've had since being here in Provo. I am coming closer to the things that I want, albeit very, very slowly.

Tonight is just one of those nights when I feel completely trapped. There are people all around me. I can't escape them. I'm not supposed to escape them. I'm supposed to go to movies and barbecues and enjoy spending time doing absolutely nothing with them. It's a measure of my distaste that I opted instead to come back to my apartment, play music that I don't normally play or like, and clean. People usually do that when they're procrastinating doing their homework. I tire of the game. I can't do the typical girl flirty thing with any measure of honesty. All I can do is be myself. And I like that. I like who I am, and I like being honest with myself and with others. A part of me fears, at this point, that I am getting too rough and brusque, but I find that I no longer really care. There are times when I am sure I'm not fit to be with people.