The First While

I made Oreo truffles.  They're amazing.  You blend up Oreos (Or mint oreos, or double stuf, or peanut butter...) and mix them with cream cheese.  You form them into balls, and dip them in melted chocolate.  Let them sit and, voila!  Oh, the yumminess!

I ate those for breakfast a couple of mornings.  They were fabulous, and I enjoyed every bite.  Then, when I was done, I was really done.  I haven't really had the desire to make them, since. 

You know the best thing about it?  I haven't wanted any.  I ate them, and now I'm not fighting with myself and trying to resign myself to never being able to eat those, because my hips can't take it.  No, I ate them until I was done, and then I moved on.

In the weeks since, I have come to realize that I fear hunger.  I also fear feeling full.  You see, if I feel hungry, it means that soon I'm going to lose control and eat too much of the wrong things.  If I feel full, it is because I ate too much, period, and the guilt will soon be taking up residence on my shoulders.  Both of them.  Because we all know the guilt of eating is a back-bowing heaviness that settles on our hips and bellies and under our arms.

Are you afraid of hunger?  Are you afraid of fulness?

I'm trying to overcome that. 

I am a person.  I am a beautiful, wonderful person.  I am strong in many ways.  I work hard to be kind, to be smart, to do the best I know how to do.  I will never be stick-skinny, and I will probably never wear size 2s.  My body is beautiful.  It is unique.  It houses the essence of who I am and deserves all my love.  And, as I learn to love myself more, I increase the ability I have to love others. 

I've decided that the clothes manufacturers are wrong.  I'm not too fat; they're too skinny.  (It's a step, and if it's not in the right direction, at least it's in a different direction.  I'm experimenting, here.)

When I'm hungry, it means I'm alive, and I get to sustain that life and nourish it.  When I'm full, it means I've cared for myself and given my body something it needs.  Every sensation, I think, is in some way a celebration of life and all that it means. 

Bring on the truffles, and the corn on the cob, and the bread, and the sugar, and the apples, and the love.